Going Insane

I don't know what the hell is going on with me
I always said to myself that i had to over him, i always said that my dreams abt him won't come true
but why everytime i saw him, my hope grows 10 times bigger?
maybe it's because i'm the kind of person who won't give up easily
and maybe at the same time, i'm also the kind of person who like to lie to myself
maybe i wrote things in my blog like " i give up, i'm over him, bla3X " is only to assure me that what i lied to myself is true
okay, i dunno how i feel for him now
i don't feel any heartbeat when i saw him and he flashed me a smile today
but, though i don't feel any heartbeat, why instead, i feel that i want more?

" he's my own brand of heroine "

well, maybe he is..
i'm not lying if i still use him to encourage myself to study and to be a braver girl
(yes, though it's very embarrassing for me to admit this, it's true)
so... can anyone tell me, what kind of feeling is this?


" To me, you used to be someone i love. But now? Even myself don't know the answer "