Have yourself a merry little Christmas

Seriously, how merry can I be, seeing the fact that i might spend my Christmas alone here. I know, i know God has given me chances to share it with some people. Some of my friend are still here and I am sure even my landlady wouldn't mind if i join her Christmas dinner. I guess i should be grateful for the condition I am in now, huh? I suppose i just wish that I can spend it with my family. Like how it always be for my whole life.
So, annoyingly, the feeling of loneliness strikes me again today. I read books, watch movies, about how people meet that special someone, and think to myself, when is my turn going to come? I mean, it seems so easy in those movies and books, you simply went for a walk, or go shopping or anything, and 'Bam!' you meet some stranger who'd somehow become someone very important in your life in just a few weeks or even days time.Yes, I know they're movies and books, fictions. But, they must be based on some kind of truth to be able to be made into books or movies right? Well, how can i even have a boyfriend if I am now not even close with any guy, come to think of it. How pathetic my life is really. Oh. another post about me nagging about the romance part of my life. How interesting huh? Well, maybe I am still single now because I am still unable to love myself, so how can I love others? Yes, I am not the most confident person in the world, I hate some part of myself, but I love myself in some ways as well. I have that bitchy-girl side of me, though I tried not to show it in front of others as much as i can, because I think too much of how I would look like in other people's eyes. I think too much I suppose. And hey, today i found out an acquintances of mine whom 'the-bitchy-side' of me thinks that 'oh, she looks like a person who is less attractive than me', you know, a nerdy kind of girl whom you'd think have a romance issue as well, and guess what, she got engaged today. if even that kind of person can find a significant other and i can't... then, i am much worse? My self esteem just jump off the cliff. Argh, what am i rambling here. Well, since no one is going to read this I guess then maybe i assume that it's okay for me to write whatever i want to write, to express what i feel. That's the point of having a blog rightt? ok, i am signing off now.


Jess