Actually i made a promise with myself to post more and more each year, and seeing that it's already almost the end of october now, and my number of post this year which is still quite low, compared to last year, i was worried that maybe i can't fulfill it. but well, maybe i can work on something during my holiday later.

I think my mood these past few days is like a roller coaster, anything could made me feel so happy and any small matters could drown me right into the pit of depression. Especially about socializing, i know i am never the friendliest girl in class that has a lot of friend to talk/hang out with, but at least during my high school i know that my classmates appreciated me and they 'see' me. Meanwhile now, in my college, i don't know.. i never feel that i stood out, not the one with the best idea, or the  best craftmanship, so i dare not speak out most of the time, because i am afraid they'll think that i am stupid or just someone who can only talk nonsense stuffs. I just don't have the confidence. I am trying to be better, but looking at my position now, i still think i haven't did my best.
And then the most recent thing that happened is, (you know i wrote about the group project in the last post right?) so i thought at least, some of them could see me as a friend already, but then, when a classmate of mine is celebrating his/her birthday, let's call his/her X, so X invited i think almost everyone in the studio (no class is going on at that time, so not much people are in the studio) to eat X's birthday cake, and yes, i am not one of those people. eventhough i was in the studio, doing my project, everyone is like laughing, and taking pictures, while i am there at the corner, alone. can you  imagine how awkward i feel at that time? i feel like really unwanted or something. Forever alone. and where i am seated now, right at the end corner of the table, is not helping at all either. and i just don't know what to do at that time, it's not right if i approach them right? It's not that i never talk with X before, and it's not about the cake, it's about.. about why i am not invited? did they actually hate me? am i such a bad person to make friends with? is there something wrong with me? or they just didn't see me at that time? i know i don't talk much, but still. it's not that i don't want to, believe me, i really want to change this habit of mine. i just don't know how.........
i hate this,, i know i shouldn't depend my happiness on someone else, but since friends is all i've got here, what else can i do to make myself a happier person?

all i want is to be accepted there, to know that i belong there.


Jess