I'm a silhouette

I'm tired of waking up in tears
'Cause I can't put to bed these phobias and fears
I'm new to this grief I can't explain
But I'm no stranger to the heartache and the pain

The fire I began is burning me alive
But I know better than to leave and let it die

I'm a silhouette asking every now and then
"Is it over yet? Will I ever feel again?"
I'm a silhouette chasing rainbows on my own
But the more I try to move on, the more I feel alone
So I watch the summer stars to lead me home

I'm sick of the past I can't erase
A jumble of footprints and hasty steps I can't retrace
The mountain of things I still regret
Is a vile reminder that I would rather just forget (no matter where I go)

The fire I began is burning me alive
But I know better than to leave and let it die

I'm a silhouette asking every now and then (now and then)
"Is it over yet? Will I ever smile again?" 
I'm a silhouette chasing rainbows on my own
But the more I try to move on, the more I feel alone
So I watch the summer stars to lead me home

'Cause I walk alone
No matter where I go
'Cause I walk alone
No matter where I go
'Cause I walk alone
No matter where I go

I'm a silhouette asking every now and then (now and then)
"Is it over yet? Will I ever love again?" 
I'm a silhouette chasing rainbows on my own
But the more I try to move on, the more I feel alone
So I watch the summer stars to lead me home

I watch the summer stars to lead me home.


---
the best track from the whole album, i just have to share it.


Jess

Nothing

You know that feeling when you don't feel like doing anything except nothing?
and that feeling of missing your hometown so much, the foods, the big family, the friends but probably i am just missing all the memories. Because things in the past can never happen again right? No, don't get me wrong, i'm not feeling down now, in fact i feel quite neutral at this time, i just feel overwhelmed by all the assignments, up to the point where i had no idea what to do.
Maybe i should go make a to-do list instead.
see ya


Jess

Actually i made a promise with myself to post more and more each year, and seeing that it's already almost the end of october now, and my number of post this year which is still quite low, compared to last year, i was worried that maybe i can't fulfill it. but well, maybe i can work on something during my holiday later.

I think my mood these past few days is like a roller coaster, anything could made me feel so happy and any small matters could drown me right into the pit of depression. Especially about socializing, i know i am never the friendliest girl in class that has a lot of friend to talk/hang out with, but at least during my high school i know that my classmates appreciated me and they 'see' me. Meanwhile now, in my college, i don't know.. i never feel that i stood out, not the one with the best idea, or the  best craftmanship, so i dare not speak out most of the time, because i am afraid they'll think that i am stupid or just someone who can only talk nonsense stuffs. I just don't have the confidence. I am trying to be better, but looking at my position now, i still think i haven't did my best.
And then the most recent thing that happened is, (you know i wrote about the group project in the last post right?) so i thought at least, some of them could see me as a friend already, but then, when a classmate of mine is celebrating his/her birthday, let's call his/her X, so X invited i think almost everyone in the studio (no class is going on at that time, so not much people are in the studio) to eat X's birthday cake, and yes, i am not one of those people. eventhough i was in the studio, doing my project, everyone is like laughing, and taking pictures, while i am there at the corner, alone. can you  imagine how awkward i feel at that time? i feel like really unwanted or something. Forever alone. and where i am seated now, right at the end corner of the table, is not helping at all either. and i just don't know what to do at that time, it's not right if i approach them right? It's not that i never talk with X before, and it's not about the cake, it's about.. about why i am not invited? did they actually hate me? am i such a bad person to make friends with? is there something wrong with me? or they just didn't see me at that time? i know i don't talk much, but still. it's not that i don't want to, believe me, i really want to change this habit of mine. i just don't know how.........
i hate this,, i know i shouldn't depend my happiness on someone else, but since friends is all i've got here, what else can i do to make myself a happier person?

all i want is to be accepted there, to know that i belong there.


Jess

It's Time

This month turns out to be better than last month i suppose, things are starting to get better, starting with the group projects from my college, you can say i start to socialize more and make more friends from it. And staying back at school to do work actually feel very comfortable (although i need to spend more money for eating outside during lunch and dinner --') The stress doesn't feel that bad anymore, don't know whether it is because i started to feel more inspired or it is because of something else. whatever is that 'something else', i won't tell you more until another 3 months. hahaha. to sum it up, i guess i'm doing quite good now.
Anyway, today i  went to watch 'The Perks of being a wallflower'. Going to rate it 4 out of 5. I think i can relate to the story well enough, there are a lot of times when i feel like Charlie, wanting to change things from every new beginning, but finding ourselves in the same old situation, being the awkward freshmen, socially clueless, don't think that we deserve to be with someone we love, and more. The movie also has a lot of quotes that i like, such as 'I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons, and maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there.' , ' welcome to the island of misfit toys', and 'why do i and everyone i love, picked people who treat us like we're nothing? ; because we accept the love that we think we deserve', 'but right now we're alive, and in this moment, i swear we are infinite'.
I think in life, we'll always find friends that can change us to be a better person, like how Charlie found Sam and Patrick, basically since the story's background is about teenage life and sets during his high school period, you can say that i really miss my high school time now. in a lot of ways.
well, i really love the writer's way of writing. Planning to buy the novel soon.

just so you know, it's 6 am in the morning when i type this post, actually planning to do my assignments since 3 am, but i ended up doing nothing but surfing the internet. okay, i think i should start my work now. and oh yea, i'll share one of the soundtrack of 'the perks of being a wallflower'.



til next time,

Jesslyn