I admit that I am not good in making friends, I'm socially awkward and shy, I don't find it comfortable to talk about my problems or stories to my friend, not because I don't trust them, it's myself that I don't trust. Which is why I always prefer to be the listener. So far, I hope my friend could understand this part of me, I want to change, to be the talkactvie one in the group, but so far, I still couldn't really do it, Maybe it's one of my trait already, it's what made me who I am. I am the follower, not the leader, I took hours to made a simple decision, and if you want me to pick a place to eat, it'd took me hours of research, to find the perfect place, because I don't want to make people, especially my friends down. And when the place that I choose is not as good as how I expected it would be, it really kills me on the inside, and I feel really bad with my friends. I treasure my friend, because I know how hard it is to find one.
I fucked up, honestly, I have my own set of problems, my college, my family, myself. At times, I feel like talking about my problem to my friend, but I don't know where to start. It's too complicated, and I'm not too sure about how I feel towards certain situation too. I told you, I can't make up my mind.
To be honest, this matter had bother me since quite long ago, but I never really know how to talk about it. Until these few weeks, I really can't take it anymore, hence this post. There are times, when I feel like, is my friends really my friends? Maybe I don't have the rights to ask this question, since I never really open up with my friends, but I just hope that they could see more than what I show them.
I also don't know what kind of outcome that I'd like from this post, I just want to write the thing that has been bothering me. Is it okay for me to expect more from them? Is it okay if I hope that my friend is really a friend?
Jess
