It's not that i can't but i don't have the will to... I am so screwed....

Well, let's list down my homework, since I keep on procrastinating them, who knows by doing this, I'd feel scared and start doing something

- 6th Sketch Model for Studio Practice
- 3 Plans and 2 Sections of 6th Sketch Model
- 8 Visual Studies' Glass Fasteners drawing
- 1000 words book review for Contextual Studies
- 1 Photoshop Rendering for Digital Studies
- 3 Furniture Rendering for Digital Studies
- 1 Barcelona Pavilion Animation (with 3 Rendering) for Digital Studies

And those are all due this week and I haven't even start a scratch of them. I am so f*cked up. Probably it's a right time to curl up and die.

Screwed as f*ck

I guess I came to the realization that as long as I am loving whatever that I am doing, everything else, be it love, wealth, etc. will all come in order. The problem is, I am not loving what I am doing now, and I don't even know what I would love doing. So probably this is why I am so screwed at the moment. Screwed as f*ck.

And for a second, I think I know what I want to do in my life. But for a minute, I am left pondering, can I? Is it really what I want?

That moment when you realize that after all this years, you still find yourself smiling whenever you accidentally saw his photo on fb, wishing that when you are out in some malls you'd accidentally meet him, just to see how he is doing now, or probably.. you just want to be given a chance to see him again. That moment when a simple 'like' in your fb photo from him, still made you feel really happy because that means he still remembers you, and whenever he passed your mind, although not as often as it used to be, you still wish that he's doing well, no matter where or in what situation he is now.
And when i realize this, I feel like crying, because a part of me realize that I am very stupid, and I am not supposed to even still type things like this.
Please just slap me in the face real hard instead.

'No, I don't love him anymore, what do you think I am?'
Is the line that i tell to all my friend whenever they ask me about him. But then i always will find myself, asking to myself, 'do i?'

Probably not, not as much as i used to. But first love never really go isn't it?


Jess

P.S. : For perhaps any of my friends who stumbled upon this post, I am okay, just feeling a little gloomy at the moment, so my heart start to wanders around.