"I feel like life's moving so fast, it's always been a desire of my heart to be a model. And when my dream came true, I have to say I've been blessed to have the most amazing world opened up to me far beyond my imagination. Oh, and it's more than just being a model, it's the excitement of knowing I'm free to be myself. Dreams do come true, it's all about confidence, keeping a positive attitude, believing in yourself, and real hard work. Never, let anything or anyone distract you or get in the way of you achieving what you want. You can have it, take it from me. Chanel Iman. Just believe." 

Chanel Iman

It's not that i can't but i don't have the will to... I am so screwed....

Well, let's list down my homework, since I keep on procrastinating them, who knows by doing this, I'd feel scared and start doing something

- 6th Sketch Model for Studio Practice
- 3 Plans and 2 Sections of 6th Sketch Model
- 8 Visual Studies' Glass Fasteners drawing
- 1000 words book review for Contextual Studies
- 1 Photoshop Rendering for Digital Studies
- 3 Furniture Rendering for Digital Studies
- 1 Barcelona Pavilion Animation (with 3 Rendering) for Digital Studies

And those are all due this week and I haven't even start a scratch of them. I am so f*cked up. Probably it's a right time to curl up and die.

Screwed as f*ck

I guess I came to the realization that as long as I am loving whatever that I am doing, everything else, be it love, wealth, etc. will all come in order. The problem is, I am not loving what I am doing now, and I don't even know what I would love doing. So probably this is why I am so screwed at the moment. Screwed as f*ck.

And for a second, I think I know what I want to do in my life. But for a minute, I am left pondering, can I? Is it really what I want?

That moment when you realize that after all this years, you still find yourself smiling whenever you accidentally saw his photo on fb, wishing that when you are out in some malls you'd accidentally meet him, just to see how he is doing now, or probably.. you just want to be given a chance to see him again. That moment when a simple 'like' in your fb photo from him, still made you feel really happy because that means he still remembers you, and whenever he passed your mind, although not as often as it used to be, you still wish that he's doing well, no matter where or in what situation he is now.
And when i realize this, I feel like crying, because a part of me realize that I am very stupid, and I am not supposed to even still type things like this.
Please just slap me in the face real hard instead.

'No, I don't love him anymore, what do you think I am?'
Is the line that i tell to all my friend whenever they ask me about him. But then i always will find myself, asking to myself, 'do i?'

Probably not, not as much as i used to. But first love never really go isn't it?


Jess

P.S. : For perhaps any of my friends who stumbled upon this post, I am okay, just feeling a little gloomy at the moment, so my heart start to wanders around.

How time flies, the last time i post anything here is when it is still December and suddenly, Bam! it's February already. End of February to be exact. Insane.
A part of me is feeling very bad for abandoning this blog, but you know how I hate to write about my problems, because when it's already over, I don't want to see any traces of it. If it's over, then it's over. Done. And I start to hate the fact that whenever i post anything, it would eventually end up with me writing about how lonely i feel because i have no romantic partner whatsoever. So, that's my reason for not updating. But well, I've been writing here for quite some time, so I kinda miss doing it some times, although i couldn't find the time to. So I guess today is finally the time to write a bit.
January was actually really good, I don't know what part of me is working but I love and miss it. I was so motivated to do my work, well yes, i still feel stressed at some time, but it didn't affect me much. And now i just realized that probably the fact that I am going back Medan during February for CNY is what motivated me. So now, when I am already back, and have nothing that I am looking forward to, guess what I've been now? The procrastinator again. I need to finish this stupid assignments but I just couldn't find the will to. Does this mean I need to find something to look forward to again? Let's see, the earliest that i can go back to Indo is probably around June, now it's still February, so roughly it would be in around 3 months time. 90 days. Not bad huh? Time to start crossing my calendar then.
I'll write again soon.


Jess