어떻게..?

Pressured. This is the dream that i always wanted, but why do i feel very burdened in doing my college assignments now? shouldn't i feel happy doing it because it's what that i always dreamed of? Lecturer, Parents, Family, and even myself demand me to make the best out of every project, and in the end i feel very pressured and today while on my way home i realized that i don't feel the freedom of expressing myself at all though ironically i'm studying in an art school, where people perceived that its students are a bunch of free people in expressing their ideas. I admit that skill-wise I am not as good as some students, brain-wise? Am I not creative enough to survive? Come to think of it, my works never got praised as few of the best, though i also never those who got extremely criticized, but I am those who are in the middle, grey and forgotten.
And socially, I am not the friendliest girl in class, and i feel awkward when it comes to talking to people whom i recently knew. I want to change myself, to not be this introvert, but it's hard. I tried, and always ended up blaming myself when i failed. So i ended up, keeping everything to myself, shut my mouth and stay in the background, forgotten. And suddenly now everything just strikes me. My heart can't take all of these anymore, too much words left unsaid, too much pressure here and there, i'm at the point of breaking down, but i can't cause it won't make anything better. Maybe i think too much, and i demand too much from myself.
I am such a let down wasn't I?

Jess

rambles rambles

Seems like i won't be able to post this post before 25th came. but oh well, so let me start with my college rambles post again, since i am back in singapore and college has started for about 3 weeks (note : just 3 freaking weeks) and the amount of assignments is crazy. seriously. C-R-A-Z-Y. oh and my lecturer said this "we don't care whether you sleep or not, but you have to finish your assignments" (mau mati ga dengernya?) now i wonder what makes me choose this path in the first place... but i know i have to do well, i've sacrificed so much things to be able to be here, so i have to make the best out of it.
Also, mom has been nagging me to find part-time jobs, i want to mom, believe me, i've been browsing in job portals religiously, found some jobs that i think quite fun, but looking at my college's insane-ness, i might even have to spend a night in the studio to finish my work, i barely had enough sleep this whole week (sleep at 2, up at 7) how can i work again? well, let's just see how this is going to work out then..


Jess
oh yeah, might one day late already, but still..
생일 축하해 , 남자 삼모 ... 

Just realised that my earlier post was posted right on 11:11 ! (Yes, i love 11:11 wish)
Gonna make a wish in my heart on behalf of that post. lol

Jess

Mr. Perfect

What triggers me to write this post is that i was actually browsing for wedding pictures and videos on axioo.com, been a reader in their website for months (or is it a year ald?) and i really love their way of taking photographs! The chemistry, the background, the light, everything seems to fall into place and as you can conclude, their wedding photographs is one great work of art indeed. Oh yeah, a bit warning, browsing there can make you feel like you just wanna met your future husband as soon as possible (if you're still single like me) and just tie the knot and take you pre-wedding pictures with them. Well anyway, while watching some of their videos, i found this ah-ma-zing song, this song will be one of the playlist in my reception when i'm getting married in the future. lol (okay, i sound like a crazy girl who wants nothing except getting married at this point)

Lyrics

The people are clamoring close, close to the ground
My head and my heart are way up, up in the clouds
My love is alive, my love is alive for you
This is the perfect day
I forget how to breathe when your mouth whispers my name
Tell me I’m yours, tell me you’re mine, never the same
I’ll light up the sky, light up the sky for you
This is the perfect day

I wanna make it last forever
I wanna make it last forever
I wanna make it last forever
This is the perfect day

From the top of the sky to the dirt under my feet
With all of my heart, I know I’m where I should be
I’ll follow the stars, follow the stars with you
This is the perfect day

I wanna make it last forever
I wanna make it last forever
I wanna make it last forever
This is the perfect day

The people are clamoring close, close to the ground
My head and my heart are way up, up in the clouds
This is the perfect day

----

On a side note, I've been dreaming weird dreams for these two consecutive nights, basically on the first night, i dreamed of someone whom i can't recall his face (i forgot whether i knew this guy or not) the rest of the dream is history because i can't recall it anymore by now, and on the second night i dreamed of a guy (forget whether it's the same guy as the one i dreamed last night or not, but they gave me the same feeling tho) and in that dream he give me his hand and wants me to grab his hand back and just to follow him (and i still remember clearly that i feel that this guy is not my type at all, but i feel like i have to grab his hand), until another guy came up and interrupted and telling me that i should be smart to choose and then i became confused and i woke up. ohkay, going to label this as a random crazy post. hahahah. confirmed that if my friend and my cousin read this post, they'll going to call me silly girl. 

Jess

A little tune to brighten up your day

Lyrics


I don't know anymore
I don't know what I've been fighting for
But something inside me won't go quietly

And I could be anywhere
'Cause we're all breathing the same air
It goes inside and makes me feels alive
And all I can say is, all I can say

I am here and I will be
Following my own way
Forever and a day
I am here and I'm here to stay

Oh, we are here and we will be
Following our own way
No matter what you say
We are here and we're here to stay
We are here to stay

No matter where you roam
Anywhere you lay your heart's your home
Stand your ground if they push you down
Because all you can say is, all you can say

We are here and we will be
Following our own way
No matter what you say
We are here and we're here to stay

We are real and we feel it
When you deny us
Or when you get tired of us
We are here and we're here to stay
We are here to stay

I never knew when enough was enough
Or whether to stay when the going was tough
But I won't let a little heart be afraid
And all I can say is, all I can say

I am here and I will be
Following my own way
Forever and a day
I am here and I'm here to stay

Oh, we are here and we will be
Following our own way
No matter what you say

We are here and we're here to stay

We are here to stay


Lyrics credited to : AZLyrics.com
No copyright infringement intended.


---


I am always a fan of Lenka, her unique vocal and meaningful song lyrics is the reasons why. This song just captured my attention because to be honest I am currently feeling lost about everything in my life. I don't know where this path that i took will lead me to, for sure i want to be lead to a good place, but i am feeling anxious and restless. I find it quite hard for me to sleep these few days as whenever i turned off the lights in my room and laid my head on my pillow, my mind starts to wander everywhere, contemplating about my life from every aspects of it. I got nothing except feeling more restless about everything, and at some point maybe it made me tired enough to end up falling asleep. And tonight, i find myself feeling afraid of turning off the lights, because i don't want to let my mind wandered to those thoughts again. I want to sleep, but i also don't feel like it. 


"I am here and i will be following my own way, forever and a day"





Lyrics


Keep giving me hope for a better day
Keep giving me love to find a way
Through this heaviness I feel
I just need someone to say, everything's okay

Woke my weary head
Crawled out of my bed
And I said, "Oh, how do I go on?"
Nothing's going right, shadow's took the light
And I said, "Oh, how do I go on?"

Sometimes I need a little sunshine
And sometimes I need you

Keep giving me hope for a better day
Keep giving me love to find a way
Through this messy life I made for myself
Heaven knows I need a little

Hope for a better day
A little love to find a way
Through this heaviness I feel
I just need someone to say, everything's okay
(Everything's ok)

I gave my hope to you
When you were nearly through
And you said, "Oh, I can't go on"
Well, now I need it back
'Cause I have got a lack of all that's good
And I can't go on

Yeah, sometimes I just need a little sunshine
And sometimes I need you

Keep giving me hope for a better day
Keep giving me love to find a way
Through this messy life I made for myself
Heaven knows I need a little

Hope for a better day
A little love to find a way
Through this heaviness I feel
I just need someone to say, everything's okay

(Everything's okay, everything's okay)
Sometimes I need a little sunshine
And sometimes I need you

Keep giving me hope for a better day
Keep giving me love to find a way
Through this messy life I made for myself
Heaven knows I need a little

Hope for a better day
A little love to find a way
Through this messy life I made for myself
Heaven knows I need a little

Hope for a better day
A little love to find a way
Through this heaviness I feel
I just need someone to say, everything's okay

Lyrics credited to : AZLyrics.com
-----


Or maybe i just need someone to tell me that everything's okay. 


Jess

Yes, i do realize it's 2 am in the morning. so why am i still not yet sleeping? i guess my body has gotten used to my bad sleeping habits back in sg, so it's quite hard for me to sleep early nowadays. well, except when i am feeling very tired. I do realize as well that i had not updated my blog for what seems to be like a very long period already, been always wanting to write something, yet when i logged in, i honestly dont have any idea about what to type.
It's been weeks since i came to spend my holiday in Medan, yet i haven't had the chance to meet my friends (except my two dearest buddy S and J) the rest, well i don't know, too busy i guess? I had a hard time meeting S and J too to be honest, since they got works and college to attend. Not to mention the fact that i still have a long list of food that i want to eat before i went back to dearest lion city. Ah, how i wish i could drive, so i can go to anyplace at anytime when i feel like eating something. This is probably the reason why sometime i couldn't help but think that sg is better, transportation-wise.
Well, at least i went to Brastagi last Sunday. To spend some quality times with my family, had some fun in Mikie Holiday. Pics? maybe i'll upload some here in the next few days. maybe, i warn you. kkk... Mom advised me not to come back this Dec, and just stay in sg to find some intership or work to do. So honestly, i don't know when i can be back in my dearest hometown again. I decided to use this 2 weeks wisely, take bunches of pictures, eat loads of food, meet up with my friends, and spend quality time with my family. Not to forget, to pay another visit to Ethan (my dearest puppy whom is now living with another family :'( )
Will update again later, my eyes starts to feel heavy already. *yawn*


Jess

okay, it's been a very long time since i last post here. I am currently back in yours truly city, Medan. and currently super craving for korean food. kill me please, i am craving for indonesian food in singapore and craving for korean food in medan. great craving i have here.
actually i just had lunch in UFC, it sells Korean fried chicken if you might ask, most youngsters in Medan probably had known this place and flocked the restaurant when it's newly opened. The chicken tasted great i should say, but i wish they also have the chicken with the sweet sour sauce (like the yangnyum chicken that i order in singapore) but it was okay, the one that i am quite dissappointed with is the jjajangmyun. That is not a jjajangmyun, really, although it tasted good, but it's not jjajangmyun still.
ah, what have i been writing here?


Jess